always

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since we got Alice, a white and orange short haired cat, i can honestly say my life has improved. i could go on and on about how cute she is, post tons of pictures of her and tell you all the adorable things she does but if you know me, i do this enough. we’ve had her for about 2 months now and it seems so much longer than that. i feel like she’s always been my cat. our cat. Ryan’s and my cat. like we’ve always had her, like i’ve always had Ryan.

it’s hard to believe at one point in my life i didn’t have Ryan. and we didn’t have Alice. though, there was a time when i wasn’t as happy and wasn’t as lucky. slowly but surely i’m learning to not let my old life haunt me. most days i forget but sometimes i remember. i get angry at myself for remembering. for those who don’t know, there is about 5 years of life i wish to forget. permanently. i don’t want to remember. when i do i feel like i’m being punished. somebody is punishing me. pushing old memories to the surface. maybe i’m punishing myself…

i don’t know where that thought was meant to go but i’m cutting it short.