Love means nothing

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Okay, it doesn’t mean nothing. It just doesn’t mean as much as you think it means.

I thought- if I loved someone more than I’ve ever loved anyone before, then that person was going to be my person forever. I thought if I showed that person how much I love them, with my whole heart, and I loved nothing more, then that person would be my person forever. I thought if I told that person how much I loved them, more than anyone I have ever loved before, and more than I could ever love anyone again, then that person would be my person forever.

That is not the case. Love doesn’t work like that. And learning this, almost killed me. And I don’t say that to be dramatic, or figuratively or metaphorically. I mean that I thought I could have killed myself. I don’t say this lightly. But I say it because that was my mental state at the time.

When I started wake up and finally start to get my head out of that dark place, I realized I had no idea how love worked. Or didn’t work.

This past year I have read every article I’ve come across about love, relationships, marriage. When I realized I wasn’t educated in love or marriage at all, I wanted to soak up all the knowledge I could. I listened to hours, hours, hours of podcasts. Spent several days consuming advice written by relationship therapists.

(As a side, this may sound compulsive but that was my own personal reaction to having had everything I knew and loved taken away from me without my control.)

What I learned is – marriage has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with kindness, generosity, being selfless, treating that other person better than you treat yourself.

I think people automatically want to think that marriage has to do with trust and respect and not cheating. But those are simply by-products of the above, in my opinion.

I wish I knew this then, but I’m grateful that I am learning this now. And will continue to learn. I have done so much to better myself as a single, independent individual and to hopefully be the best partner I can be in the future.

I want to be called out if I’m being a dick. I want someone to shake me and tell me I’m being silly. I want someone to make me laugh instead of cry. I want someone who can guide me and educate me and go on adventures with and someone who will fall in love with me.

Okay so there’s got to be love in there somewhere. But there’s gotta be so much more.

I’m not living the life I’ve written about in the past. I have a different life now, and, while I feel nostalgic to those memories, I am determined to lead a better life and be in a healthier relationship in the future.